Jets to Trade All Current Players for Entire First-Round Draft

FLORHAM PARK- Desiring to “start fresh” in 2013, the Jets organization announced yesterday that it will be trading all contracted players in exchange for all 31 other first-round draft picks.

New York General Manager John Idzik stated his plans at a scheduled press conference. Idzik, the former Vice President of Football Administration for the Seattle Seahawks, was hired by the Jets on January 18 to replace Mike Tannenbaum. Idzik, calling his predecessor an “absolute moron,” said he came to the decision after much thought with his new colleagues.

The team started to examine their options almost immediately after his hiring. It was clear from the beginning, according to Idzik, that minor changes would just not cut it. “We slowly started to realize that we could save a lot of time and money by just gutting the whole organization and starting totally fresh next year.”

The comprehensive plan is the largest trade the NFL has ever seen. The first phase will see the Jets’ 38 “bad” players be traded wherever they can be for the bottom 11 picks. Some of these will be easy to get rid of. For instance, Idzik already has sent Shonn Greene to the Tennessee Titans “because 2 yards-per-carry is still a heck of a lot better than no yards-per-carry.” Last year’s draft bust, Stephen Hill, will be sent to the New England Patriots to give Tom Brady target practice. According to an anonymous source, Brady needs someone who can run the routes in practice and doesn’t mind getting hit with the football really hard. “That’s a perfect match for Stephen. He’s a wide receiver who can’t catch a ball.”

Idzik admitted that some trades will be more difficult. He envisions Jeff Cumberland, for example, being traded under the radar with a package of other players. “Others may not be accepted by teams voluntarily. I’ll probably have to kidnap Mark Sanchez and leave him in the Buffalo Bills front office. But we’re still working out the kinks,” he said.

The second phase involves trading the Jets’ 15 remaining good players in exchange for the top 20 first-round picks. At one point, a reporter questioned why Idzik will trade away the few veteran players who have made positive contributions to the Jets, such as Darrelle Revis and Nick Mangold. Again, he pointed to management’s goal to start fresh and find younger talent “whose spirits have not been tainted by the horrors that were the 2011 and 2012 seasons.”

Jets owner Woody Johnson and head coach Rex Ryan, who also attended the press conference, said that they agree with Idzik. Ryan went a step further, revealing a conversation he had with him: “I told John that he might want to consider firing me as well. It’s time to give a younger, much more enthusiastic college coach this job.”